January 2011
16 posts
Big Red Button →
Inception Mouse →
August 2010
2 posts
I'm a director, bitches! →
It looks like an Italian hospital in here! (See...
Jane got it decorated. I feel like with my hair you can’t even see me in here.
July 2010
4 posts
Where should I look for humor?
When you’ve got a reputation as a one-liner machine, you need some go-to sources. Amputations — whether it’s a lost foot from an improbable lawn mower accident, or a veteran who lost a leg fighting for his country — are always hilarious. Keep going back to the well until it’s no longer funny, then keep going and blame it on the sauce.
Know any good blind dates?
She looks like Virginia Mayo, she’s 25, Mount Holyoke gymnastics team. See her this weekend. If you hit it off, come Turkey Day, maybe you can stuff her.
February 2010
1 post
Can I ask you some advice?
Now you’re sniffing around because I have a golden pork chop dangling from my neck.
My wife left me, my kids won't talk to me, and my...
You’re not good at relationships because you don’t value them.
January 2010
2 posts
My boss keeps giving me the stinkeye in my dreams
You wanna be on some people’s minds. Some people, you don’t.
I just lost an account to a three-headed mutant...
Somewhere in the history of our business, this has happened before
December 2009
2 posts
I'm taking some Mormon clients out for lunch. Any...
I don’t think it’s a bad idea to outdrink your clientele.
Some evil Brits bought my company. What will...
You’ll come in Monday and everything will be the same – only there’ll be diamonds on the doorknobs!
November 2009
2 posts
I lost the Dr. Scholls account. I'm really sorry.
Now I’m going to have to give everyone a hand job. First I’m going to have to convince them I had you killed.
Do gentlemen really prefer blondes?
I like redheads. Their mouths are like a drop of strawberry jam in a glass of milk.
October 2009
2 posts
I've got a great job, great wife, great kids. Why...
It’s never as good as you think it’s going to be.
September 2009
1 post
Why do so many people dislike me?
It’s mistake to be conspicuously happy.
I blurted out the name of another woman when I was...
Yetta Wahlenda sized mis-step. The girl. The tightrope walker. They got her off of the sidewalk with a hose last week.
August 2009
9 posts
Blackface? Seriously?
Matt Weiner wanted a little reality check for those Mad Men fans who thought I was just a lovable rogue.
Plus, I did it at home with shoe polish and the missus just laughed and laughed.
As an added bonus when I smooched her it looked like she had a tiny bit of poo on her face.
Don't you just adore my suit of armor?
Did you ever get three sheets to the wind and try that thing on?
Do I look pregnant in this dress?
Like Grace Kelly swallowed a basketball.
Why are you telling me about your family drama in...
You’re the only one around here who doesn’t have that stupid look on your face.
"I’m Peggy Olson and I want to smoke some...
What’s wrong with getting good and drunk? Your kind with your gloomy thoughts and your worries, you’re all busy licking some imaginary wound. My generation, we drink because it’s good, because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar, because we deserve it.
[Editor’s note: This advice can be applied to a number of questions]
What's the deal with Brits?
They don’t always get our inflection.
How do I set up an international smuggling cartel?
Stolichnaya vodka and Cuban cigars — I shipped them back from my trip to Greece. I should have sent a pound of opium.
Can I have a drink?
Help yourself. Not the Stoli.
September 2008
1 post
I'm looking for a hobby - any suggestions?
Play paddleball, loudly, in your office with the door closed. No one will know what you’re doing — it will add to the mystique.
August 2008
14 posts
My wife wants a big flashy wedding for our...
Let your eyes glaze over while you listen to her gauzy memories of the biggest day of her life. Later, hire a high-class prostitute, pay her double to kiss on the mouth, and take her out to dinner afterwards at Lutece.
Don’t you love the chase? Sometimes it doesn’t work out, those are the stakes. But when it does work out, it’s like having that first cigarette: Head gets all...
A faceless subordinate just asked me for a raise
Throw him a token sum, watch a wave of pathetic gratitude wash across his gormless mug, and send him back to the salt mines, ignorant of the knowledge that you spend the equivalent of his yearly salary on a week’s worth of hookers and vodka.
And make a point of not remembering his name the next time you see him.
He knows what that nut means to Utz and what Utz means to us.
What kind of ad agency do we want to be?
The kind where everybody has a summer house.
Our superstar creative director is upset that...
He’ll be fine.
Can I be an astronaut like John Glenn?
I’d like a ticker tape parade for pulling out of my driveway and going around the block three times. It’s not like people were shooting at him.
My daughter wants to be a stewardess -- is that an...
I like those little girls they have…You know, they’re completely captive.
What do you think about airline food?
Jets are for dropping bombs on Moscow, not French cuisine.