What would Roger Sterling do?

Blackface? Seriously?

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 09:40:00 -0400

Matt Weiner wanted a little reality check for those Mad Men fans who thought I was just a lovable rogue.

Plus, I did it at home with shoe polish and the missus just laughed and laughed.

As an added bonus when I smooched her it looked like she had a tiny bit of poo on her face.

Don't you just adore my suit of armor?

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:32:32 -0400

Did you ever get three sheets to the wind and try that thing on?

Do I look pregnant in this dress?

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:11:52 -0400

Like Grace Kelly swallowed a basketball.

Why are you telling me about your family drama in the elevator?

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:11:02 -0400

You’re the only one around here who doesn’t have that stupid look on your face.

"I’m Peggy Olson and I want to smoke some marijuana.”

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:43:00 -0400

What’s wrong with getting good and drunk? Your kind with your gloomy thoughts and your worries, you’re all busy licking some imaginary wound. My generation, we drink because it’s good, because it feels better than unbuttoning your collar, because we deserve it.

[Editor’s note: This advice can be applied to a number of questions]

What's the deal with Brits?

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:26:54 -0400

They don’t always get our inflection.

How do I set up an international smuggling cartel?

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 10:10:54 -0400

Stolichnaya vodka and Cuban cigars — I shipped them back from my trip to Greece. I should have sent a pound of opium.

Can I have a drink?

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 08:50:39 -0400

Help yourself. Not the Stoli.

I'm looking for a hobby - any suggestions?

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 20:36:49 -0400

Play paddleball, loudly, in your office with the door closed. No one will know what you’re doing — it will add to the mystique.

My wife wants a big flashy wedding for our daughter

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:16:13 -0400

Let your eyes glaze over while you listen to her gauzy memories of the biggest day of her life. Later, hire a high-class prostitute, pay her double to kiss on the mouth, and take her out to dinner afterwards at Lutece.

Don’t you love the chase? Sometimes it doesn’t work out, those are the stakes. But when it does work out, it’s like having that first cigarette: Head gets all dizzy, your heart pounds, knees go weak. Remember that?

Old business is just old business.

A faceless subordinate just asked me for a raise

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 12:50:23 -0400

Throw him a token sum, watch a wave of pathetic gratitude wash across his gormless mug, and send him back to the salt mines, ignorant of the knowledge that you spend the equivalent of his yearly salary on a week’s worth of hookers and vodka.

And make a point of not remembering his name the next time you see him.

He knows what that nut means to Utz and what Utz means to us.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:20:28 -0400

He knows what that nut means to Utz and what Utz means to us.

What kind of ad agency do we want to be?

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 10:53:01 -0400

The kind where everybody has a summer house.

Our superstar creative director is upset that we're screwing over a loyal client for an uncertain shot at some new business.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 10:45:00 -0400

He’ll be fine.

Can I be an astronaut like John Glenn?

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 10:44:41 -0400

I’d like a ticker tape parade for pulling out of my driveway and going around the block three times. It’s not like people were shooting at him.

My daughter wants to be a stewardess -- is that an appropriate job for a young woman?

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 10:42:24 -0400

I like those little girls they have…You know, they’re completely captive.

What do you think about airline food?

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 10:39:00 -0400

Jets are for dropping bombs on Moscow, not French cuisine.

As you lay dying, did you think of me?

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:39:00 -0400

Look, I want to tell you something because you’re very dear to me and I hope you understand it comes from the bottom of my damaged, damaged heart. You are the finest piece of ass I ever had and I don’t care who knows it. I am so glad I got to roam those hillsides.

I've got a difficult client at work. How do I deal with him?

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:26:19 -0400

Being with a client is like being in a marriage. Sometimes you get into it for the wrong reasons, and eventually they hit you in the face

I recently lost my job and my dog died. Should I get a new mistress to cheer myself up?

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:25:00 -0400

When God closes a door, he opens a dress.